I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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