there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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