omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
