I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
what day is it and did you see me today?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
