Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
