i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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