Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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