Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
