The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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