all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
