i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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