This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
