you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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