it's too hot outside to masturbate.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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