he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
