can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
