Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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