My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
