im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
