yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
