oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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