I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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