dude i'm inner monologue high
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
