Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
