he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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