dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
