so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
