i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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