My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
