Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
