Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
