Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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