I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
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