umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
