I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
