i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
40s are totally the cure
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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