Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
