genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
