So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
