I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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