I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
