uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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