he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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