And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
