He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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