Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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