dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
