my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
