God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize
