even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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